We fight.

We only fight because we're afraid of losing each other.

There's never a week without fighting but it's what brings us closer, it's what makes memories with us.

We can be disappointed in one another, we can be ecstatic with each other but we both know we love each other and nothing will change us but make us stronger.

I'm sorry that I've ever hurt you.

I'm sorry if I ever depended on you more than I should.

I never want to hurt you.

To be quite honest, you're what I look forward to every day.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life.

Me: We need a resolution.

Him: That we do. Leaving isn't one of them though.

Me: I hate to bring it up but one day, one of us is going to leave eah other... and that day will hurt more than it does now.

Him: Death is an inevitablity, unfortunately, yes.

Him: But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Him: Or blow it up and stay on the other side.

Me: So you're saying you refuse to let me go

Him: lol, not to sound all uber controlling and molding....but somewhat, yes.

Thank you for being that person who is going to be there forever and always. What you said meant the world to me.

Thank you for holding me closer when I was banging on your chest.

Forgive me?

& I will try to be open to you more and I'll try to squash whatever is going on right then and there and not run from you.

Dear Nick,

We've known each other for a couple years and this past year and a half, I've enjoyed your company more than ever.

You're my best friend and the person I can go to for anything and what separates you from the rest is that throughout anything, you're there for me.

If you're partying, you always pick up your phone to make sure I'm okay.

If I'm down and out, you are always there to cheer me up and make me smile.

If I'm happy about something, and you already know about it, you still act happy for me instead of raining on my parade.

We've been through a lot, surprisingly and you still haven't lost your patience with me.

We had our first semi-argument earlier and I was wrong for it. I shouldn't of got mad at you but shortly after I made that comment, I looked towards the future and saw it without you and it hurt so I felt the need to apologize and you didn't respond, so I knew I messed up.

I'm sorry, best friend/brother/best person in the world.

Last night when we were talking, it was the happiest I've been in awhile due to the stress I've been under. But when you even mentioned the military it hurt. I couldn't lose you. We've grown so close without even meeting yet and I just couldn't imagine my life without you. I can't even imagine that now. You're my hoop to my basketball. I hope we NEVER go through any more struggle because I do not want to imagine my life with out you.

If you were just another person, I wouldn't of cared. But you're not.

You're better than the rest.

I'm sorry.

:(

Forgive me?

PS.

What is a "jawn?"

I absolutely hate how we are now.
Each time I think about it, my hearts hurts even more.

We had so many good times together and just for them to be ruined by a title, an arrangement, a relationship.

I loved you.

You loved me.

You love her as well.

It's life. I do forgive you.

It hurts, but I do forgive you.

Three years, ruined in two weeks.

We can never be friends.

We can never have any kind of future.

Just because we have a history.

We enjoyed the time we had together, the laughs, the smiles, and some times tears.

We shouldn't of done what we done, but it's done. Can't turn back time.

I learned that I shouldn't trust even somebody who you know for so long.

The one you trust the most, will turn on you the fastest.

I still love you as a part of my past.

I still miss you.

I hope you have a very happy and successful future

& when you listen to MJ, think of me.

When you play ball, think of me.

Don't regret, just think.

Life will go on.

JUST BECAUSE I don't read your poetry all the time doesn't mean I don't understand your love for the pen and your artistic ways with words.

JUST BECAUSE I live in WA and she lives in IL does it mean that she's better than me?

JUST BECAUSE you say you don't, doesn't mean that it's not hidden.

It's plain to see you love her as she loves you.

If she calls you baby, does that mean that she's taking my place & you appreciate it more when she calls you it?

What's the difference between me and her?

Just for one night, just for awhile.

In the back of my mind, you were mine.

Tell me, Tre.

Tell me everything.

Don't lie to me.

Don't tell me I'm overreacting.

Don't tell me you didn't think it was a problem.

Don't tell me you love me if you don't think you do.

love.

Love is such an intense thing for me to talk about. Just for the fact that I have reached all kinds of love even almost getting married and I've been the person to give advice and I've received advice on the subject of love and I've grown to gain a lot of knowledge of the subject with previous lovers, the one I have now, my friends & family.

Love comes in all sorts of forms. Either if you love a friend, you love your significant other, you love your family, you love your possessions, you love life, you love your religion and so forth & I want to touch base on the types of love that have affected me.

Friends:
Each one of the people in my life who I can honestly say are my friends, I love. They have affected my life in so many ways. In one instance, Stephanie and Jonnathan. I've known Steph for a couple years and she's one of the only females who I know will never leave me behind. We haven't spent as much time together as we have had for the fact that we are going to school and making something of each other but Steph is one of the most supportive people in the world. I can honestly say I love her with all my heart for the fact that she is the only female in my life -outside of family- who I'm chill and had an on-going friendship with her. With Jonnathan, he's the new-comer, I assume to say, but I've told him before but I do adore Jonnathan. I started talking to him in July (i presume) and there hasn't been a day we haven't talked but he's helped me in some dark times and he's just been there through anything. I love my friends & there are multiple individuals and there are the personal reasons why I love them.

Significant others:

Oh gosh, I've been through a lot of boyfriends and I've been through one fiancé. I've experienced the death of a significant, an engagement, MULTIPLE cheatings, either me cheating or them cheating, I've fell head over heels, multiple times, dated a best friend, been with a couple girls, been with an abusive man and ect. All my previous boys/girls have played a huge affect on how I treat the guy I'm with now. & Speaking of that, the guy I'm with now, we've known each other for 3 years. We've been best friends for that entire time and he knows exactly how I am. I feel that it's important to get to know your significant other before you two decide to try it out. Did I ever have intentions of dating Tre? There were times where I've wanted just to be with him but he wasn't ready and never seen me as his other half; with time, things changed and now we are together. It takes some getting used to. But with that, my love of the other half, comes trust issues. My trust has been shattered and it's hard to even get it back to how it is. (Tre has experienced it, like last night) It's how I am. If you can't trust your other, and believe me, I trust Tre. I trust him with my life. but If you can't trust your other, there's no future for your love. You can't force trust nor love.

Something that has irked me for years is the debate between sex and love. ALL guys I've been with get cut loose if they use the "If you love me, you'd do this, this & that." No, no, no. I don't go for that shit at all. But for the fact that I've been used for sex, I mean lured in, thinking that the person who loves me but only wanted sex, lessens my trust for the next person. The slightest mention of sex has me thinking "oh, they would never want me. They just want my vag." If you keep thinking that then it'll push you away from that person.

I take sex SUPER seriously. I've only had a couple sex partners in my life but with that, due to somethings that have happened, left me with a little one. I don't fuck with sex with other people, when you're with someone. When Tre and I started talking about getting together, he mentioned an "open relationship" which meant for me "yeah, you can fuck somebody else but you belong to me." no, I'm super against that for the fact when I was in school I learned the whole if you have a sex partner, and they have two, and then they have four and pretty much at the end, you've fucked every single person in your graduating class... No. When I'm with somebody, I suspect to give them my all & vice versa. & Not saving my vag for somebody else or them sticking their dick in somebody else. I'm not comfortable with that. So I shot down that suggestion because I can't stand the thought of somebody getting up on my boy even if I can't be with him physically at the moment because I feel it gives them an excuse to cheat; personal opinion.

At the end of the day, I trust Tre, I love Tre.

I trust my friends, I love my friends & so forth.

military.

This is something I've been wanting to write about for the longest time.

I know a couple of people who are in the military and unlike anybody else, I hold them closest to my heart.

The first guy I ever fell deeply in love with was in the military. He left for deployment for about a year. I stayed there with him, I didn't think of any other guy. I didn't think of anybody else. I prayed for him and he stayed on my mind through the whole time. Yes it was extremely hard but you have to realize that if you have a boyfriend or even a friend in the military, they suspect you to be there when they get home. Of course, I didn't get the chance to write him letters but there was one time that I actually did write him a letter, I just never got the chance to send it to him. Shortly afterwards, he returned. He was a change man though. Not changed in a good way but in actually a bad way. His attitude was completely different & he just said he didn't feel the same way for me. I wasn't mad. Of course, I was devastated but yet I understood that he went through all that & I was young. He didn't want me to sit around and wait for him for him to get home. Needless to say, I do miss him & he'll always be held close to my heart.

Through out the years I've meet so many men that are in the military & when ever there is something on TV or so that resembles a man leaving his family or his loved one to fight over seas or be shipped on a deployment, I get weak because of what I went through with Mar & to know of families having to go through that.

Right now, I have a BFF who is going to be deployed in October. The guy I'm falling for, he's in the army reserves. Through all the friendships I've gone through, those two are the ones I hold closest to me because I promised them through anything, I will be there. People don't understand what military men and women go through when they get deployed, they have to leave their families, their girlfriends/wives their children and such to fight for them. They see death, they see turmoil & they see so many things that they try to protect you from. They are fighting for YOU. They are there with you in spirit and they will always come back to you.

It bothers me to see people freak out because of the little things in their daily lives. They freak out if they get pregnant, not saying it's a small thing but still, they freak out because they can't find a job, they do all this freaking out & men & women over seas are fighting for their lives. They can't see their families & all they have is words on a paper & little wallet sized pictures to live for & they won't be able to see their families for months, maybe years & they strive for the promise of having somebody to come home to. I promised so much to Nathan (bff) because I don't want him to feel alone when he leaves.

I hold the military & people in the military close to my heart.

I will never understand what they go through, but I know I'll be here for Manny & Nathan when they come back.

Song of the moment.

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances

You might feel the pain

Don’t you love in vain

’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?

So what it I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge,

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just trying to be happy

I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly

just can’t let go

just trying to play my role

slowly disappear

But all these days

They feel like they’re they’re same

Just different faces

different place

Get me out of here

I can’t stand by the side

Ooh, no

And watch this life pass me by

Pass me by

So what if it hurts me?

So what if i break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge?

my feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I’m just trying to be happy

Oh, happy

Oh

So any turns that I can't see

Like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim

Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge?

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy

Happy

I just wanna be

Oh

I just wanna be

Happy.